I think it's fair to say that the world has gone to shit since the last time I posted here. Life is improving, and I feel like I no longer need this site to survive. I still have my blips, my down periods which can arise without warning (like today), but the wheels are able to continue moving. I no longer feel like I am defined by depression. 

I'm proud of myself for getting to where I am, and for surviving through this pandemic better than I could have ever imagined. A couple years ago and I would have been inconsolable and the feelings of loneliness would have probably eaten me up, but today I can stand on my own 2 feet and make it through. Sometimes you miss the progress in your recovery due to the gradual process, and keeping this website has really helped me to monitor my recovery over the past 6 years. 

I started this website as I had no other outlet from my darkest moments and fears. The stress of GCSEs was eating at me, and my low self esteem was struggling, and looking back on those posts I can feel how far I've come. I still have a long way to go, but I'm so happy that I am on my way there, and I can see the distance I have already travelled. 

I feel like I start every other post now-a-days with the words, it's been a while, but in this case it really has. Uni's been rough, but for the most part enjoyable. I'm in my final year now, doing my masters project, and actually really enjoying it, my group is really nice, and I'm feeling a lot less awkward now.

The only issue is when I'm not in our lab. I spend part of my project on a different floor, in someone else's lab, and it freaks me out. I don't know where anything is, and I don't really know the people. Being left alone in that environment is really scary. Today I got told off for using another group's equipment...I'm just confused. It's only my 2nd time in that lab, first without my supervisor there, and the postgrads from this other group are scary. In particular 1 guy, Kevin, has no emotions when he speaks, is constantly stoic and seems to just hate me, so that's great.... Life could definitely be better, but I'm getting through it. 

Today is tough. Tomorrow may be tougher. I have finally gone to the doctor, and am supposed to be getting an autism screening soon, as I am pretty sure I am on the spectrum. I feel uneasy about it. I'm 21 now, is there really a point? Do I feel like I need this? Do I still want this? Will this just be another label? What if I'm not? So many questions and so few answers...

Another thing that's been bothering me a lot is that one of my close friends went to another city for an internship over the summer, and since that internship they've changed. They got a new boyfriend, and have stopped messaging back as often. They often disappear without trace, and it makes me feel insecure and vulnerable, while also increasing my self-hatred for feeling selfish. Why do I have to be so insecure?! Why can't I feel secure in relationships, with my parents, with my friends, with anyone? Am I broken? 

I used to tell my parents that they only loved me because I was their child, and that if I were anyone else, with the same personality they would not like me. They were obligated to love me because they are my parents, but they would not chose me. I often think about how lucky I am that I have the parents I do, because if my parents were to have passed, or given me up for adoption, I may never have left the system. I often feel that I would be someone noone could love. 

A lot of the time I feel like my friends are only staying friends with me because they are too awkward to break it off. Like before they got to know me properly we became and classified ourselves as friends, however, as time progresses, and they get to know me, they may no longer want to be friends, but are just too awkward to say. When I feel like anyone might even be considering this, my initial reaction is to run away and place that distance between us, to avoid getting hurt, but hurting all the same. I guess it's a way of gaining control and by self imposing that distance, it is MY choice, and I therefore have some level of control and protection.

I hope one day I will not believe this stuff, and be able to feel secure, but that time seems so far away and impossible right now. Everything feels so out of reach. Everything feels so impossible. I hate myself.

Something that I have long accepted about my mental health is that there are times that it will just suck. It will just suck more than anything possibly can. Sometimes you just have to accept that technically life isn't worth living, but also face the fact that you will keep living it. I've come to accept that there is not big goal to life, no end achievement to be attained. Life is not a mission that can be completed, it is just simply existence. Some days I don't want to exist, but during others, I am happy that I do, and I'm trying to increase the number of those days. 

Before my life had to have a purpose, before I had to have a purpose, for what is the point of anything if not given a reason. It is nothing. Coming to terms with the fact that through this logic I am nothing, has been tough. It is probably not the conclusion that health professionals would have wanted me to come to, as I'm sure they would much rather I just throw the whole idea out, but I can't. 

Over the years, many people have asked me if I am autistic, and my answer had always been a firm no, however I am now not sure. Even after 10 years of recovery, I am still not sure who I am. It is a continual process for me to find if I am who I am, what I am. Hopefully I will get answers soon.

Life is not worth living, I do not feel I get out of it, what I have to put in. But I owe it to myself to find how I am, solve the mysteries I want answers to, and to find closure in myself before I give up. There is not end goal to life, but there are small goals that I can set myself to get by, no large goals that seem unachievable, no end product of my life, but just tiny things to prevent me from throwing myself off the edge of a building or canyon. 

Sometimes, I feel like I've failed everyone. Tonight is one of those nights. I have failed my friends, with one actively avoiding me now, for reasons unknown. I have failed my mother, who keeps going on and on about the fact that I was unable to find a summer job, and how I am just wasting my holiday away. I have failed myself, as I was unable to get a job or internship, and was unable to keep those closest to me from hating me. Tonight, I feel like a failure. A failure who deserves to be deleted. When an error appears, the first thing to do is find and delete the mistake, before replacing it. I am that error. I SO wish I could give up everything, and disappear from the world, undo the error, prevent further failure. I REALLY wish I could...

Another post in the night. I feel unsettled and bothered. I don't know by what...Maybe it was my friend's mother asking about my lack of a boyfriend: 'Should I have one?', 'Am I too slow?', 'Am I not normal?'; maybe it's the fact I have a driving lesson tomorrow and I'm scared, maybe it's my lack of interaction with friends over the holidays, maybe it's my lack of a productive outlet like work, maybe it's my lack of money but desire to buy so many things, maybe it's just me being weird...Maybe this is my destiny, to just not be able to sleep peacefully without 1000000 thoughts inside my head, maybe one day this will stop.

1:27am, can't sleep. Feel bothered by too many things, feel guilty about too many things, want life to be easier. Hate myself for feeling like I have to be someone I'm not to make other people happy, hate the burden I give myself as a friend, hate the pressure I feel for being friends with someone. 

I just want the aching to go away, the need to cry, the need to not feel like a failure. I just want to be able to walk away, leave everything behind with my head held high. Life is tough. I just want to survive without causing someone else to not. Why is that so difficult? I just wanna sleep comfortably, and restfully, but I won't...I just want peace...

Some days I really hate myself, and that transfers to how I think other people find me. Some days I hate myself so much I start to think that other people hate me too, maybe they do. I hate my need for people's attention and care. I wish I could be a free bird, not giving a fuck what other people think, and I wish I didn't care for other people, cause then I wouldn't care if they cared about me or not. It's twisted and weird, but that's how I think and I so wish I didn't. I hate myself. 

I'm realising that old habits, and thought processes are starting to come back to me. Maybe it's the impending doom I feel of Uni ending, and having no structure or direction to my life. I hate it. I hate me. Simply as.

So I get depressive episodes, don't think that surprises anyone, and I've noticed that I get a couple of different types.

Type 1: The Triggered by Fear of Something Episode
This is, in my case, usually triggered by a friend not replying to my message for a couple of days, or someone saying something horrible to me, or a low grade etc. These all cause my fear of abandonment and rejection to come into play and cause me to have a depressive episode. This type of episode usually lasts until it has been proven to me that I had nothing to worry about (i.e. my friend messages back, my parents are ok with my grades, and my friends still talk to me after the comment etc.), and are usually short lived, lasting at most 1-2 days, despite possibly putting me in quite a bad state (usually between a 4-7/10 on the severity scale, depending on who made the comment, which friend isn't messaging back etc.). This is the most common type of episode I get, and can take many forms, another of which being; when I meet new people, where straight afterwards I will become depressed over anything I said or thought was stupid to do (embarrassment), as I believe this will lead to rejection of me by the new person.

Type 2: The Slow Decent Episode
This is the type that I get after a prolonged period of being ok. They usually cause me to feel empty as opposed to depressed, and make me feel lethargic. I can still pretty much fully function, but something will just feel out of place, and I want to move on but can't. Though this type of episode doesn't tend to include suicidal thoughts or anything like that (a 3/10 on the severity scale), they tend to last for prolonged period of time, in some cases lasting up to a month of more.

Type 3: The SAD Episode
This episode usually occurs in winter, at night time and only lasts a couple of hours (until I fall asleep). It it usually about a 5-6 on the severity scale, and has similar, but more extreme symptoms to the Slow Decent episode, sometimes involving some struggle breathing. It is sometimes linked to some insomnia like behavior.

​Type 4: The Sudden Onset Episode
This is the scariest type of me. There is usually little to no warning that it is about to occur, and I dive straight into a giant hole. It is a 8-10 on the severity scale and usually includes some forms of suicidal thoughts and occasionally non permanent self harm e.g. bruising etc (but not cutting). I have noticed a link to prolonged periods of stress, though that is not always the case (sometimes I am stressed but fine). These types of episodes can last from 2-3 hours up to 2 -3 days.  These are the toughest to deal with.

​ Type 5: The Loneliness Episode
This type is particularly prevalent in my life, during exam season and holidays. When I am left by myself for long period of time, I feel lonely and can sometimes fall into a depressive episode. This, in essence, is similar to the Triggered Episode, however, as opposed to a certain event, it is the lack of an event (or interaction with people that causes it). Despite being quite severe (7/10), this type is fairly easy to manage, and all I need to do is organised a meeting with friends in order for this to be overcome.

Today I had a Type 4 Episode. I don't know how long it will last, though I really can't afford for it to still be happening tomorrow morning. I'm scared, my heart rate is up, but I have an eerie calmness in myself as I know I will not do anything about these suicidal thoughts in my head. Today my uni friends saw the first glimpse of a full on mental breakdown in front of them, I tried to play it off, but I think I just came out weird. I'm scared to face them tomorrow. I need to be back to normal and what they expect. I have managed to hide this side of my for so long. I'm scared...

Happy New Year everyone!! 
It's ironic isn't it, that we always say 'happy', like 'happy holidays', 'happy birthday', 'happy new year', like it's some obligation to be happy on those days. I'm not happy right now. I was...like a week ago. But now? Nope, definitely depressed again, wanting to cry again, feel like a weight is crushing my heart....again. One of my closest friends has just been unresponsive, like nearly the whole holiday. It has been 3 weeks, and I can't contact her...and I wonder. a) Has something happened in her family or to her? b) Does she want to stop being my friend? Those are the 2 places my heart and brain goes to. I'm scared...I hate it...I want to just forget the world, but I can't...I want o find a distraction and go to my happy place, but I can't (I have to keep doing revision as my exams are next week). I want to just curl up and hibernate, forget everything until uni starts and life is back to normal. I hate life, I hate prolonged holidays; I would much rather have more 1-2 week holidays and these ones that last months... It's too long... too long of being left with noone...too long of nothing...