I just want the aching to go away, the need to cry, the need to not feel like a failure. I just want to be able to walk away, leave everything behind with my head held high. Life is tough. I just want to survive without causing someone else to not. Why is that so difficult? I just wanna sleep comfortably, and restfully, but I won't...I just want peace...
1:27am, can't sleep. Feel bothered by too many things, feel guilty about too many things, want life to be easier. Hate myself for feeling like I have to be someone I'm not to make other people happy, hate the burden I give myself as a friend, hate the pressure I feel for being friends with someone.
I just want the aching to go away, the need to cry, the need to not feel like a failure. I just want to be able to walk away, leave everything behind with my head held high. Life is tough. I just want to survive without causing someone else to not. Why is that so difficult? I just wanna sleep comfortably, and restfully, but I won't...I just want peace...
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Some days I really hate myself, and that transfers to how I think other people find me. Some days I hate myself so much I start to think that other people hate me too, maybe they do. I hate my need for people's attention and care. I wish I could be a free bird, not giving a fuck what other people think, and I wish I didn't care for other people, cause then I wouldn't care if they cared about me or not. It's twisted and weird, but that's how I think and I so wish I didn't. I hate myself.
I'm realising that old habits, and thought processes are starting to come back to me. Maybe it's the impending doom I feel of Uni ending, and having no structure or direction to my life. I hate it. I hate me. Simply as. |
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |