Not much has happened. We're preparing for our year show, where the year does sketches and videos that teases the school and teachers, so things are busy. I don't have much homework, which is nice. We finish school on Thursday! WHOOP! and I'm on a summer camp course from the 6-9th of July. I've also been drifting between open days. I also think I might have started liking a guy which is a weird feeling which I haven't really experienced before. Everything's kind of a confusing mess now, but I'm excited about the summer ahead.
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Do I expect too much out of a friendship? Is it too much to ask for loyalty, respect and compromise? Apparently so, well at least to the degrees that I expect of my friends. One of my closest friend is becoming more and more distant to me, if this continues I wonder if she will end up not being my friends soon... and I'm too stubborn to ask her about it, a) afraid of the outcome, and b) because we are currently in the middle of a competition/disagreement for our futures. It's saddening to think I may loose this close friend within the next couple of months, it's scary that I rely on my friends so much. Too much... I have come to the realisation that when I loose one of my close friends (5 closest friends) or at least feel like I'm loosing them, I become emotionally unstable. It is as if those close friends are pillars holding me up in place, and when one gets wobbly/moves, I become unstable and my emotions go everywhere. A combination of worry, fear, confusion, anger, guilt, sadness, longing, and rejection; depression. I get wrecked, and must find my balanced again or find another support to be there for me, or try to fix that friendship/pillar. I don't know what I should do with this friendship currently. I guess only time will tell.
Exams are nearly over, and I'm going back to school on Monday. Back to the tedious petition of lessons, back to the constant pressure from teachers but this time with the added expectation of results and how the exams went. I'm going to struggle, I know that...but hopefully it'll be fine. Hopefully with the support of my friends I'll make it. Everyone's really stressed now, and panicking. For most (those who don't do further maths) all their exams are and the fate of their future has been decided. It's scary...scary to think that now we have no control. We've done all we can and now our future, the chances of getting into a good university, the chances of getting a good job, of doing what you want to do, of following your dreams now depend partially on these exams that we have already sat. These following 2 months will be filled with uncertainty, of my life, and of my future. I'm anxious about uncertainty, I'm cautious of it and more than anything I'm scared of it. Uncertainty and bout do 'funny' things to me, they plant the seeds for terrible, ugly thought to grow inside me. I feel like the next 2 months will be a great test for me. It's currently just trying to find a way to distract myself and to not think about the future before the results, which will be difficult as we will have to write our personal statements, go to open days and start our applications. I'll just have to hope for the best.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |