During the span of these couple of days I have had to reconsider my life. I have always lived my life with the thought that if I was passionate and was clever and intelligent I could achieve everything I wanted, and if I didn't it would only be because someone was more clever, more intelligent and more passionate than me. This has not been the case with the club I mentioned in my last post. Consequently my philosophy on life and my outlook has had to adapt. To start with my initial reaction was fear, anger, depression. Just when I had started to build up my confidence again, when I had started to show my full passion, when I started putting effort into getting good grades and improving my knowledge and intelligence, when I thought I had increased my self worth; I found out that I was still worth nothing, that all my efforts were for nothing, that life doesn't work the way I thought and my dreams might never be achieved. I have always thought that life needed a purpose, a goal, without a goal or a point to life there was no point in living. So I set myself a goal, a target, to improve people's lives through my work in science, I set up a strategy in order to ensure this worked out: Get the best grades I could, go to the best Uni I could (which I always and still do think of as Cambridge) and then go on to do all the possible relevant qualifications before working in a great lab, working my way up to ranks to group head and implement my ideas to better the world; whether it be from making a new material or a new drug. And I thought I could achieve all this with brains and passion. However despite this club being a small deal, I found myself wondering whether this bias could come into play later on in life in getting a job or going to Uni. What if my dream couldn't be achieved; then there would be no purpose to life. My life suddenly seemed meaningless, and I felt so small and helpless. I also felt annoyed at myself for being so naive and stupid. It was at this time a couple of days ago that I self harmed properly for the first time. Not cutting or drawing blood, but pressing a pen hard again my arm to cause bruising; bruising that after 3-4 days is still very prominent. People are asking me and telling me left, right , and centre that this whole deal isn't important as they think I'm annoyed and sad at the incident itself, and it's getting frustrating, as I know this is not important, but what happens when it comes to important events? Will this still occur? What is my purpose in life? How can I guarantee that I will achieve it? They don't understand what this event has forced me to realise nor what it means in the grand scheme of my mentality and life. I'm having to slowly adjust my way of life to just give up of life and accept its pointlessness. I am even considering the possibility of my having to give up on my dreams as they now seem futile. Without a purpose I will surely perish soon. I have also come to the realisation that it is unlikely that I will survive bend the age of 40 with my regular breakdowns and am surprised to find that I have accepted that and am not scared. I'm trying to think of a new method to achieve my goals and restructure my whole thought process and become a different person, if I find a way I will be sure to share.
0 Comments
If you've been offered a role, but not the one you applied for would you accept it knowing that someone else wants your place quite bad? This is the position I'm in now. I've been offered a position in a club in the school. Quite a high one at that, but not one of the the ones I wanted/hoped for, and it is a role that I do not feel suits me. However I know one of the lower members would like this job and yet I'm not feeling enthusiastic about it. I had initially applied for a great role than the one I have been given, however that role has gone to other people, one of which the year strongly disagrees with (not just me). Feeling bitter over that and confused about what to do with my current position is not a great place to be. On top of that the one of the candidates who was picked for the role which I initially applied for is unorganised, and slightly clueless, asking slightly stupid questions and such, the only thing going for her is that she is nice. This leads me to believe that the reason I wasn't picked is because of my personality.
My personality is weird. There are 2 layers, my open, loud, passionate, overenthusiastic, sometimes arrogant layer and my fragile emotional layer. If someone doesn't like the outside layer the inside breaks. I feel like the teacher who choose and decided the club disliked this outer layer of me, and now the inside is breaking. What is the point of being myself if noone likes it? What's the point of being alive if I can't be myself? So many unanswerable questions...So yh......I dunno what else to say or do; whether I should keep the role, or asked to be demoted..... First thing's first, got some mock results back, they haven't been amazing, but they've been decent. Now onto what I needed to write about today. Has anyone ever had the feeling when you're waking down the street and you just kinda think "I wish someone would kill me in a mugging or something" I use wish here for lack of a better word. I want to point out this is in no way a suicidal thought or a thought about killing myself or ending my own life, but rather, I wouldn't be greatly against someone else killing me. I mean don't get me wrong, I would still try and run and escape and be utterly terrified, but if it came down to it and I was fatally stabbed or shot, and if I could ignore the pain, I think my overwhelming feeling would be relief. Relief.... well, at this point in time I think it would be relief. I don't know how to explain it. I've gotten past the point of suicidal thoughts and have accepted that I didn't have the strength to kill myself before, won;t in the future and no longer have the will. However when this thought crossed my mind today, I realised that just because I'm not suicidal doesn't mean that I have stopped contemplating death... I'm not sure what this means, but it a discovery of myself that I have made and filed for the future.
Another thing I have realised about myself is that I have to share almost everything with almost everyone that will listen. I think this is due to the fact that I know I can't keep things bottled. Bottled emotions particularly anger, frustration and annoyance start off directed at someone, and if they aren't released I start to overthink and start self blaming and hating. Bottled up emotions lead me to being depressed and so I have to release them, and recently this blog has been a release of a great deal of those emotions. |
Archives
September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |