So I was going to do a K-pop post today, but there is something more pressing I want to let out. This week I just came back from a biology trip, one that would involve practicals that count towards my A2. Before we went on this trip, one specific girl asked to room with me, her reason; so that I could prevent her from committing suicide. She thinks that I understand her, which I guess in some ways I do, having both gone through depression, however, this understanding also means that I am not emotionally stable. She knows that she isn't emotionally stable, and so she wants me to keep her stable, however she doesn't realise that I cannot be the one to keep her stable as I myself am unstable. Her pushing this responsibility of her life onto me is just completely unfair and puts both of our mental healths at risk. Having realised what this would do to me, I selfishly asked to be put in a different room to her; though I have been informed by my teacher that we weren't put in the same room to begin with due to room sizes and allocations. The problem is that I know that this is only the start. First it started with the biology trip, and 1 favour, but now I fear that when we go back to school, she will try to push the responsibility of her mental health onto me, and I am just simply not ready for that. I don't know what to do in this situation, cause I know how much I hated the system and feel bad about putting someone else in it, but I also know that if this continues it will end badly for both of us. I feel so helpless and yet too powerful. I don't want to do wrong by her, but I just don't know what to say to her, to make sure that everything will be ok. To make sure she won't do anything stupid, and also to make sure I don't do anything stupid. If I believed in a God I would probably be praying to him right now regarding the matter, as we start school in 4 days, and I'm still not prepared to face it, this, everything. Please help.
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It's been a while, hasn't it...? I got my results last week, they were decent. Not good enough for my parents evidently as my dad, who is currently staying at home with me, won't stop telling me to study and improve my grades, and do well next year. I'm just so frustrated at him! I've been doing my reading for interview/personal statement everyday, I've been trying to sort out the school science magazine and also organise events with friends. So what if I want to relax and watch shows in-between?! I just feel so wronged with him saying that I only play and relax and don't do any work. So wronged...not that he'll listen to what I have to say, iI've tried. On top of this going on at home, the constant "I'm worried about your future if you continue to act like this (being what in his opinion is lazy", I can't get as much work as I would like to do done as my teacher isn't replying to any of my e-mails. It just feels like all of the adults in my life are just trying to destroy me, sabotage me, and make me break. ARGH!!! I know that I'm sounding incredibly self-centred right now, and maybe I am, but that is how it feels right now. I felt honestly quite happy with my results until I showed them to my parents...That is when everything went down hill, and now I am constantly being reminded with my dad at home that I have to work hard (basically non-stop) to make sure that I get into Cambridge and get the grades I need. I just want him gone for a day! Just to relax for a day! but sadly I can't.... So a message to my dad:
Sorry I haven't updated. I was abroad on holiday with no internet. Today I wanted to get something off my chest. Have any of you ever have a friend or been a friend of convenience? That is to say that that friend will only agree to go out or come over or hang out with you when it suits/benefits them. I've come to realise that a friend that I once thought of a really close is beginning to use me in this way. She's been rejecting all of my offers to hang out, preferring to hang out with her other friends while telling me she's jet lagged or too sleepy or will get back to me when she feels better. I mean she gives me all these excuses when I can see her hanging out with other friends on Facebook. However on Sunday the London Korean Festival coming up on Sunday, and her cousin, who happens to be in London being a fan of kpop ( cousin whom I have never met), she has asked to come with me with her cousin. This of course suits her as I guess I know the area better and also now the topic better than her. However when (tonight) I asked to meet up before the festival to meet her cousin before the day (before being in a crowd with hundreds of people), she declined saying her cousin can't be bothered and that she has other plans everyday, all day until Sunday. This was after she had agreed to a meet up before I went abroad. I'm not sure how to approach friends like this and whether I want to be friends with these type of people at all. This has really put me in a bad mood tonight. I was in good spirits before this though. As an avid sports fan I've been keeping up with the Aquatics World Championships. China, I'm proud to say aced the diving winning 10/13 events, and tonight was a fantastic night in the swimming. I was and still am very excited about Ning ZeTao's win in the 100m freestyle. He is just too perfect, perfect looks, perfect height, perfect determination and discipline, and he seem kind and nice too. He is seriously like the ideal man. In case you haven't realised already when it comes to sports I support China and not the UK or GB, I don't know why, but it's just always been like that.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |