Ok, so this week I got into Seventeen. This was a bad idea as it may be distracting me a bit from my revision, but I can't help it! I love them, especially Jun, or Wen Junhui. I've gone all out, following him on weibo and watching all of Seventeen's shows and broadcasts. There isn't much else to say really as I am just drained. I just feel like I've been doing revision for 9 days straight. After next week I'll have done all of my AS exams bar 1... C3.
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Still have so many exams :( . To everyone that has emotional insecurities and issues as a teenager. Pray you are not born during exam season. I am, and I've just turned 17 recently, however I am unable to celebrate it, and won't be able to until at least July, nearly 2 months after my birthday. It is currently half-term in the UK and I will be on a holiday without any exams, as well as all my friends, for 1 week. I understand the need for revision, but it saddens me that having this whole week free, non of my friends are able to spare me about 3 hours worth of time to go out and celebrate my birthday. This celebration will already be 1 weeks late if it happens... I'm currently specifically pissed off and annoyed at one of my friends who told me she might be able to, as a break from revision, only to tell me today she has made other plans (even though she basically told me she was free when I asked 2 weeks ago) with another friend. This makes me feel I am less important than this other friend, but also the fact she only told me this when I asked her about it again today, infuriates me. She could have told me sooner, when she made the plans so that I could have more time to ask other friends before they made other plans, but no, she was selfish and didn't tell me until today, which means I might be going out to celebrate alone. Everybody is either 'revising', when I know they probably spend more time on the internet or could use the time the spend online to go watch a film with me, or 'have other plans with other friends'. I just feel like no one wants to celebrate with me. SO yh, to all those that have insecurities in relationships, whether they be friendships or other relationships with people around your age. Pray you don't have a birthday in exams, cause it shatters your self esteem. In a period of exams when self-esteem is already low, to have your self-esteem knocked again by your friends hurts really, really badly. I always feel like I'm most vulnerable during this period, cause everybody is always busy and don't want to spend time together. It's a time of feeling lonely, stressed and pressured. It's a time when there is no room to celebrate your life, or be happy you have grown an age other. It's a time when no matter how many friends you have/ how good you thought they were, they will turn their back on you on the day you are suppose to celebrate yourself and love yourself. It hurts.
First day of exams tomorrow...I really should be sleeping, but I'm too nervous to. I've just come of an internet argument? debate? on Kim HyunJoong and his assault of his ex-girlfriend. I thought I would share my opinion on here before I go to sleep just to get it out there. Honestly I feel sorry for the woman. I can't relate to the physical abuse on any scale having never been physically bullied, however the abuse online that she is getting it unnerving to me. As I'm sure at least some of you who have read my story will know I have suffered emotionally quite a lot in my short lifetime, and I just don't like to see anyone suffer in the same way. So, yes, I'm frustrated at her for filing lawsuits in a weird order, for giving unnecessary statements, because for me...for me...it just kind of feels like she is putting herself in a situation to receive that abuse, to receive that emotional abuse from deluded fangirls who I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I understand that she is doing the best she can, I do. I understand that I can't blame her and I don't really. I understand that there is no way to deal with this that would mean she wouldn't receive abuse in some form, but it doesn't stop me from being frustrated that she, in her scared, panicked state has chosen to do things this way, in a way which would cause perhaps the most abuse to be thrown at her. It frustrates me that she probably doesn't have that support by her side at the moment that would allow her to think things through and not panic or be scared and do things in a weird order but rather in a logical order where people would have no choice but to face the facts as opposed to choosing to bash her. Yes, this is a naive way of thinking, but I just feel like I wish this was all dealt with better so that she would suffer less, as the victim. I just wish others wouldn't bash her for her mistakes that she has made in this panic and scared state, I wish she had that support to have acted differently to save herself the abuse. I'm not bashing her, but rather stating that she has made some mistake due to her panic, which I believe has led to more abuse to her which pains my heart. I just wish she doesn't go through any of the emotional trauma and pain. I'm saying she has made mistakes that frustrate me because it means that she is going to get more abuse and I know she's going to get more abuse, and I wish she would have done things differently to prevent that abuse. I'm only trying to prevent her from the pain that I can relate to/know. I don't know what domestic abuse is like, and so I cannot relate to that and I don't know how it feels if it would be possible to act differently. All I know is that I am trying to protect her from the pain that I know all too well.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |