It turns out nothing brings back self-hatred quite as much as being in dorms. I really dislike living with the people I currently do. 7 of us currently share 2 toilets, 2 showers, and a kitchen. Not too bad you would think, but no, the reality is quite bad. Constant noise, REALLY messy kitchens and half-flooded bathrooms occur on a daily basis. The stress increases as does the realisation that you are noway near the end of revising but the exam is in 1 week. So yes, I've been back at dorms for 1 day, and I already hate it again. It's not so much that I miss home, it's just that I don't like it here, and it's only going to get worse when uni properly starts. 1 more term for this year is what I have to keep telling myself to keep me sane, 1 more term. I've got to get back to revising now.
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So it turns out revision didn't actually properly start and now I'm behind. My laptop's also been acting up which isn't great fun, and I've started feeling kinda empty again which really isn't good in the lead up to exams. I'm scared of the next couple of months; april, may, june. I'm going to have exams and a very important lab which will last a couple of weeks, and I hate labs. I'm actually dreading it more than my exams. The pressure of labs is so intense, the pressure to get things done in time, to get the correct results/ results that agree with literature values, the pressure of having to get some things right first time cause there isn't enough reactant, the pressure of working with a complete stranger as the lab partners are assigned randomly; it's giving me nightmares already and there are still 2 weeks to go. I'm scared and I feel like I don't have someone there to keep me grounded from being scared and getting in my own head cause everyone else is busy with exams. It's tough but I'm sure I'll make it through; I always do in the end.
It's the holidays! I just came back from a trip with my friends to Europe which was great fun. I didn't think it was possible for me to put on 2 kg in 5 days but here I am. Going to actually have to do exercise to work it off.
Life's been good this past week, I'm back home with my mum, and I'm happy. Next week revision will have to properly start, I am not looking forward to that, but it must be done. I have an exam on the 2nd of May which is quite important and so most of my time will be spent learning the material for that exam. Hopefully I've given myself enough time so that I won't get too stressed out. |
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |