Here I am, lying in bed, at 23:37, scared to go to sleep after a nightmare I had last night, in case I have the same dream. I dreamt I was in school, however there were boys, which is weird cause my school is a girls school. In my dream my school was split into houses with colours with a guy and girl in charge of each house. In this dream all my teachers were the same, including a certain biology teacher that I've had massive problems with. I dreamt that I was getting told off by all my teachers for things I didn't do, that I had a person in the younger years that I had to do a project with, except from she never turned up and the teachers continually screamed at me for item that the heads of the houses (the student guys and girls) were telling me I should be more responsible and get my life together too, but all of this was particularly the teacher I have problems with. At this point in the dream I couldn't take no more and ended up jumping out the window. The dream then repeated me jumping out the window, however with different versions. In the first I could see myself plummeting towards grass and bushes with the dream repeating before I hit the ground/ Another version was me jumping just as students and teachers rushed into the room to see me jump with one person running forwards and catching my ankle at arms length from the window (basically only just catching me) and me, just hanging upside down outside the window crying and begging them to let go. There were other versions but those are the ones I remember most vividly maybe because they were the first and last. I woke up this morning with tear stained cheeks, and now, when I go back to school, that room, that widow will never be the same to me. That room just so also happens to be our common room. School seems to close know.
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Just got back from a summer course. It was fun, I guess; it was very busy and I made a lot of acquaintances but not many friends/ any friends. I'm currently feeling really confused about life, panicky about life. I dunno what I'm doing. Everything just floats past me nowadays without me being able to take any of it in. This summer I need to read books and edit the school science magazine, but I just don't feel like doing it. I feel empty, hollow, confused. I don't know what I'm doing. i have realised that 6 years in a girls school has basically destroyed my ability to communicate with the opposite sex, and I don't feel right. I don't feel like I know who I am anymore or how to become the person I want to be, or even who the person I want to be is. life will continue to roll along, and I will continue to stand still wondering why I'm on this conveyor and where I'm going to reach with no intention of running towards the goal, and currently no intention of running away from it. Just standing still, in my own world, empty, white, alone.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |