Feeling like shit. Why does noone want to be with me? Friends who I would change my plans for, friends who I would most likely risk my life for, fiends who mean at least a third if not more of my life to me...why do they not care about me? I mean I know that is a bit of a stretch, but within 2 days I have had two friends leave me midway through a journey home because the other way, without me was at most 5 minutes quicker. Do I really not mean as much to them as an extra 5 minutes? An extra 5 minutes of company for me evidently means a lot more to me than them. Why do I rely n other people so much? Why am I so fucking weak? If I'm this weak, wouldn't it be ok if i was gone? Another person's relative who I know committed suicide...I found out today. Seems like everyone is holding up and the families and friends are coping well. Would this be the same for me? Does this mean that one of the biggest things holding me back; the fear of my parents tears and sadness and depression isn't that big? Why do my friends have to abandon me? Why do I have too need them more than they need me? You know what hurts me the most though? The fact that I begged these 2 friends to stay with me. That I begged them not to leave me alone, in the dark, in winter, on a quite tube carriage or on a quite road. does this mean I con't trust these friends anymore? Can I trust them not to hurt me again? Can I trust anyone? The thing I fear isn't death but rather pain. Emotional and physical pain. If I wasn't scared of the physical pain, I would have found a way to kill myself already, but fact is I am scared, and I'm also scared about being found out or about being unsuccessful. An unsuccessful suicide attempt would leave me in a worse place than I am now. Not that I'm in a good place now or anything..... I dunno, for tonight I'm just going to cry it out in the privacy of my room, and try and get through some of the vast amounts of homework I can...
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Strangely easily agitated today. I'm feeling constantly angry at everything everyone does. Along with the angry feeling comes a feeling of just not being considered. Of being unimportant or rather just being frustrated that I'm not being asked about decisions. I feel like I'm not only carrying my own problems but also those of countless others who don't ask for my opinion or rather just don't care. My life is full of stress and pressure at the moment, and for once in my life I don't feel like its coming from me or my dad, but rather my mum. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know whether I have any say any more, if what I want even matters. If it doesn't, surely it is best to not know what you want than to know what you want but be unable to have it. I feel a deep sense of discomfort in my chest today. in my heart. Something feels off, it feels like something big which I have no control over is going to happen, and it feels like I'll be a victim of the incident. I'm scared. All these decisions, all these people talking about the future, while I'm constantly asking myself one question "Do I have a future?". I'm confused and angry in myself too, I feel ashamed of myself, feeing like I'm sometimes unintentionally manipulating friends to get what I want, other times feeling like I'm just a shit daughter. I don't know what to do with myself. Everyone is getting into Oxbridge and here I am, thinking that I probably won't next year. Here I am feeling trapped in a set fate. Trapped in the future, trapped for failure, trapped, trapped. It's half ten and my parents are telling me to go to bed. But I won't be able to sleep. I'll just lay in the dark contemplating my freedom. Do I have any? The inevitable answer to that is yes. But how can I have freedom and yet feel so trapped by others? It's like being in a room with the walls closing in. I just want to stop, breathe and escape. Something that I'm feeling more and more everyday is that Depression will always be a part of me. It'll never leave me, but I have and will learn to tame it and control it and stop it from professing too far. But I am helpless to stop it from rearing its head once more and making me feel shit very now and then.
I went to see them. I saw Kai. I'm still a bit embarrassed about my behaviour, but I am proud to say that I did not take any picture or videos and did not get too close and invade his personal space. I just stared at him from a little distance... this is why I have not updated. I have ben to embarrassed about my actions. I felt so happy to see him and seemed to have lost my ability to think within those couple of minutes, and I am truly ashamed. In other Kpop stuff that has happened since last week: I've become a unicorn. No, I haven't gone crazy. I have become a fan of the Chinese Korean group UNIQ. They need more recognition in Kpop cause they already have a big fan base in China. Jonghyun's solo was a bit of a let down for me. I was expecting either more vocals or more performance, but I got something in between that lacked dancing and that despite have falsetto didn't have any strong, long, notes that show off his vocals to the fullest, but let me clarify that it was by no means a bad solo, it just could have been better. Luhan's going to be in Madame Tussauds in Beijing. I'm so happy for him and can't wait to see his wax figure. It better do him justice! I also just want to take this time to congratulate all of my friends who have received offers from Oxbridge. Despite the fact they don't read this blog. I feel I must share my happiness for them. Next year it will be me!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Suho, Sehun, Kai and Xiumin came to London today....I didn't go to the airport, and although I plan to maybe go see if I can find them/watch them film, I have no intention of clinging to them like some of the fans at the airport (picture below: the girl is a fan not a manager!). I can't wait to watch their episodes of 'One Fine Day' I'm sure it'll be great. I'm still unsure about whether to go to try see them or not....I know my parents disapprove, but this might be the last chance in a long time to see them in real life a couple of metres away. Can I really give that up? In other Kpop stuff, I watched Luhan and EXo's New Years Eve performances and bless Luhan and his voice cracking mid song....he even apologised for it of weibo... and watching EXO sing the Chinese Versions of their songs without Luhan is still weird for me...EXO-M only has one main/lead vocal now.... :( |
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |