Strangely easily agitated today. I'm feeling constantly angry at everything everyone does. Along with the angry feeling comes a feeling of just not being considered. Of being unimportant or rather just being frustrated that I'm not being asked about decisions. I feel like I'm not only carrying my own problems but also those of countless others who don't ask for my opinion or rather just don't care. My life is full of stress and pressure at the moment, and for once in my life I don't feel like its coming from me or my dad, but rather my mum. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know whether I have any say any more, if what I want even matters. If it doesn't, surely it is best to not know what you want than to know what you want but be unable to have it. I feel a deep sense of discomfort in my chest today. in my heart. Something feels off, it feels like something big which I have no control over is going to happen, and it feels like I'll be a victim of the incident. I'm scared. All these decisions, all these people talking about the future, while I'm constantly asking myself one question "Do I have a future?". I'm confused and angry in myself too, I feel ashamed of myself, feeing like I'm sometimes unintentionally manipulating friends to get what I want, other times feeling like I'm just a shit daughter. I don't know what to do with myself. Everyone is getting into Oxbridge and here I am, thinking that I probably won't next year. Here I am feeling trapped in a set fate. Trapped in the future, trapped for failure, trapped, trapped. It's half ten and my parents are telling me to go to bed. But I won't be able to sleep. I'll just lay in the dark contemplating my freedom. Do I have any? The inevitable answer to that is yes. But how can I have freedom and yet feel so trapped by others? It's like being in a room with the walls closing in. I just want to stop, breathe and escape. Something that I'm feeling more and more everyday is that Depression will always be a part of me. It'll never leave me, but I have and will learn to tame it and control it and stop it from professing too far. But I am helpless to stop it from rearing its head once more and making me feel shit very now and then.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |