Lately I find I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Someone to hug me and care, someone who I can snuggle up to. I'm missing it, a lot. I'm missing my dad, more than I ever thought I would. My dad and I used to argue a lot, but he would also do all of those things for me, and now he's not here, and I feel empty. Some people have suggested I get a boyfriend, I guess this might be an option to filling the void that is developing within me, but how does one approach 'finding a boyfriend' anyway, no I don't think this is the solution. I think it's the holiday and being deprived of the people I care about that's making me feel like a hollow shell, without warmth. I feel so fragile lately, like this hollow shell that is left of me is made of glass, porcelain, ice, or something more delicate, something that would break so easy. I'm scared, scared f feeling like this hollow shell even after school starts, cause all of my friends are on the same level as me, we look after each other, and right now I need someone to look after me, where I can let all my walls down, someone to support me while I let down all my defences and start rebuilding myself. I'm scared that if I don't rebuild myself soon, I'm going to break, shatter, crack, that I'm going to fall and never get up again. I feel so vulnerable with noone to support me they way I need, and with noone to talk to cause I'm scared they'll be worried about me and try to help when I know they can't. I feel like a toddler again, a toddler that needs that reassurance that everything is going to be alright.
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It's been a long time, I apologise. Everything's just been so crazy lately what with sending off my UCAS (university application), receiving some offers (which I'm ecstatic about), Dad leaving, getting used to everything. Today is the 2nd day of my half-term and I haven't fully been able to relax yet, though I should be tomorrow as I have finally sent of my SAQ today. I have also received my first interview calling, for the 3rd of November. I'm scared. I've done no prep for it as my teacher just never got around to arranging it. I'm really nervous that I'll freeze or won't do well. Hopefully everything will be ok, but I am actually petrified. I'm also getting ready to go to Comic Con this weekend for the first time, which should be fun, I can't wait! Other than that, there isn't much to say as I'm still playing the waiting game of offers and interviews with the University, and have a lot of reading to get through before the 3rd. Wish me luck! And I wish all of you luck too. On the Korean side of things, I've just started watching Sassy Go Go and it's really good, I think I'm going to continue watching it to calm my nerves through this time. I'm also so happy for Twice's debut, and that song is actually really catchy, though I don't know how I feel about the zombie MV. F(x) have new teasers! That means a comeback is soon! I can't wait.
Waiting... Waiting....Waiting for the future to come and destroy you or build you is a daunting thing. Not knowing what's going to come. This is a feeling I am particularly familiar right now with, waiting and feeling uneasy. Waiting for my UCAS to be sent off, waiting for offers, waiting for interviews, waiting for my dad to go back, just waiting and not knowing what to do in the mean time. So much waiting... Waiting... I will have to wait longer to see the results...
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |