Lately I find I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Someone to hug me and care, someone who I can snuggle up to. I'm missing it, a lot. I'm missing my dad, more than I ever thought I would. My dad and I used to argue a lot, but he would also do all of those things for me, and now he's not here, and I feel empty. Some people have suggested I get a boyfriend, I guess this might be an option to filling the void that is developing within me, but how does one approach 'finding a boyfriend' anyway, no I don't think this is the solution. I think it's the holiday and being deprived of the people I care about that's making me feel like a hollow shell, without warmth. I feel so fragile lately, like this hollow shell that is left of me is made of glass, porcelain, ice, or something more delicate, something that would break so easy. I'm scared, scared f feeling like this hollow shell even after school starts, cause all of my friends are on the same level as me, we look after each other, and right now I need someone to look after me, where I can let all my walls down, someone to support me while I let down all my defences and start rebuilding myself. I'm scared that if I don't rebuild myself soon, I'm going to break, shatter, crack, that I'm going to fall and never get up again. I feel so vulnerable with noone to support me they way I need, and with noone to talk to cause I'm scared they'll be worried about me and try to help when I know they can't. I feel like a toddler again, a toddler that needs that reassurance that everything is going to be alright.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |