I honestly just wanna curl up in a ball, cancel the trip and cry in a corner, but I can't. Flights have been booked for months now, and so has the hotel, but I'm scared. I'm not in a good state, and I worry this trip will destroy my friendship with the friend I'm going with. Part of me knows that it's an irrational fear, but on the other hand it seems completely rational and plausible, and that scares me. I hate myself.
People left, right and center are telling me to calm down, and that everything will be ok, but that just makes it worse, because I can't control it. I can't just calm down because I want to. I can't just click my fingers and make myself alright. You know the feeling that you get when you're tossing and turning at night trying to find the right position but you can't find it. The feeling that feels like an ache and a tingle at the same time? That's the feeling I am now permanently living with. The feeling that something just isn't quite right but you can't put your finger on it. That's how I feel. I feel like crying but I just gotta smile through the pain.