I can't have people depend on me. I can't make lessons fun, I'm useless. I've come to realise that I suck at engaging young children through our school program of allowing us to teach primary school children. I've come to realise that I didn't have a childhood, that from between the years of 8 and 12 I was alone. I wasn't an adult, but I definitely wasn't a child. I have a void in my life; a void of those years of development. I believe this is largely due to my forced maturity at such a tender age. With my dad at work all day from 8am to 11pm I was alone at home once I had come home from school. He would come back to cook me dinner only to leave again. I therefore feel like I can say that between the ages of 8 and 11 I lived alone, and it had its consequences. I developed depression. This has meant that I feel like I didn't have a childhood between those years and that I don't know what it feels like to be an ordinary child. So how am I suppose to teach a normal child? How do I connect, understand, sympathise with them. How do I do them good? I feel like a waste of a teacher and I feel like the child I teach deserves better. How do I make a child happy and have fun? How do I make them interested and excited? I can't...They depend on me and I feel like I'm failing them. I'm sorry.
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Staying up til midnight doing maths is definitely NOT how I imagined my life would be like, yet here I am doing just that night after night. It is at times like this that I want to rebel and do the things that I know my parents would disprove of. I want to break out of the cage that I am in, throw aside all cares: stop doing homework, dye my hair with a streak of lilac and play music at the loudest volume, but I won't. Much like how Elsa in the widely popular Frozen concealed her powers, I have to conceal my thoughts and feeling about rebellion and continue with my life, for fear of my future and my parents. I feel like I should grow up, and stop being so naive and childish, but I can't. I guess that is what rebellion symbolises to me; independence and adulthood. Some people at my age have lost there virginity or are even parents, some are at parties, some are striving towards getting the best grades, and then there's me. I feel so alone, below everyone else; like a child wanting to be a grown up too soon. I feel like I want a new personality, one that's colder and more productive, one that is hgh functioning and isn't bothered by other's perceptions of me; a robot. but I can't. So I'll have to settle for being me and accept me for me. Don't know when of if that will happen but I hope it will. On another note, congratulations to Bobby for winning Show Me the Money 3. I'm also really enjoying the new series Mix and Match from Mnet though it would appear YG has a dangerous obsession with survival shows. Congrats to Super Junior on the wins on the music broadcasts! As an SM stan I am really happy for them. Also really excited for TaeTiSeo's new song 'Holler' which sounds amazing! Can't wait to catch up on all the shows and dramas over the weekend!! Especially Hi! School: Love On; what will happen now that Woohyun is alone and Seul Bi is an Angel again?!
I'm sure all of you kpop fans will have heard the news...I was initially reluctant to talk about EunB's death as I was too sad and shocked, but now with RiSe gone too I feel like their lives need to be acknowledged and missed. Kpop has so many car crashes every year and it deeply saddens me that nothing has been done before this resulting in the death of the young, innocent, naive EunB (21) and RiSe (23). The only consolation I can give myself is that these two were best friends and now don't have to suffer the pain of being separated. I hope that their deaths will bring about change within the industry and that artists and managers alike will not be pushed to their absolute limits. Listening to 'I'm Fine Thank You' today made me tear up and blubber. We will remember you, and we will smile when we remember the joy and love you brought to us through your music and tv show appearances. RIP EunB and RiSe, you will be remembered.
I wasn't planning on updating today, but I felt like there was just somethings that I needed to let out. I've started school again, but as a sixth former everything has changed...and I haven't adjusted. New students have come in, and I fear that I may be scaring them with my loudness and boldness, but there is just 1 thing I would like to say to them, and to anyone who thinks I'm crazy, and just to everyone in general. A confession if you like, and this is the reason I wanted to write this today.
To People, My loudness and attention seeking and what may seem like arrogance is just a shield for me to hide my insecurities and my vulnerability. My clinginess as a friend is due to the fear that you will abandon me. I am sorry, and thank you. Thank you to all those people who stand by me and are my friends despite my actions and words. I am forever grateful to you all. Thank you |
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |