I can't have people depend on me. I can't make lessons fun, I'm useless. I've come to realise that I suck at engaging young children through our school program of allowing us to teach primary school children. I've come to realise that I didn't have a childhood, that from between the years of 8 and 12 I was alone. I wasn't an adult, but I definitely wasn't a child. I have a void in my life; a void of those years of development. I believe this is largely due to my forced maturity at such a tender age. With my dad at work all day from 8am to 11pm I was alone at home once I had come home from school. He would come back to cook me dinner only to leave again. I therefore feel like I can say that between the ages of 8 and 11 I lived alone, and it had its consequences. I developed depression. This has meant that I feel like I didn't have a childhood between those years and that I don't know what it feels like to be an ordinary child. So how am I suppose to teach a normal child? How do I connect, understand, sympathise with them. How do I do them good? I feel like a waste of a teacher and I feel like the child I teach deserves better. How do I make a child happy and have fun? How do I make them interested and excited? I can't...They depend on me and I feel like I'm failing them. I'm sorry.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |