Having talked things over with my mum, everything seems good for now; which is really good. I've been made to see the Doctor who comes to my school again. She's given me the number to a Psychiatrist whom she think's will help me: I have yet to call. Overall things seem to be looking up, well at least a bit. I've been constantly tired recently and lessons are starting to seem useless as well, since we're doing in them is past papers. Today I have my last ever piano lesson which is great as this then frees up my Wednesday evenings again. There isn't really much else to say other than exams start ing 2 weeks and I am feeling very unprepared...To all those with exams like me good luck. Also because of these exams I will probably be updating less, but then again they might make me more stressed and want to come and release and confide here. The exams are here and that means my birthday is coming soon too. It's sad when exams remind you of your birthday...
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Does everyone deserve to be happy? That is the question I am currently asking myself. The past few weeks I have been unable to feel happy when my mother is around. I will start talking about Kpop or a show, or homework or figure skating; anything, and be in an extremely happy mood when she comes home or is home at the weekend only for her to put down everything I say.
She'll start off by saying things along the lines of "I was never a fan of anyone, I never chased anyone or got distracted.". She'll say stuff like "So what?". Some specific examples are me showing her THE ARK's Light Music Video and her saying how the child is so disrespectful to her mother at the start, which hurt cause I want a relationship like that with my mother. She watched a show with Wu Yifan/Kris as the Judge and said he was crap and then went on to say "I bet Luhan isn't much better" despite the fact she knows that I'm a big fan of Luhan; it's like she's purposefully trying to hurt me. I was talking about how good Yuzuru Hanyu and Javier Fernandez's relationship is, how they are like brothers and are really close and how I want a friend like that. She then destroys it by saying things like "They probably aren't that close, it's all an act" , "Don't try to have a relationship like that cause it's unrealistic", "Noone is that close". Why can't she just let me be happy for a couple of minutes? Why? Why can't she just humour me? OK, so maybe you can tell, but I tend to loose track of time during the holidays. Holidays are so free and relaxing with no outside pressure from teachers, only just doing work when you want. How I wish I didn't have exams and didn't have to go to school... I haven't really done much this fortnight, sleeping, revision, lounging about and catching up on Kpop. I really should stop procrastinating...like really... Any more procrastination and I'm gonna need to search for help. On the subject of Kpop, this fortnight I fell in love with Jin and Jungkook of BTS and all their songs, listened to FT Islands' I WILL album on repeat cause it's freaking amazing! And also cried at the song from the new girl group THE ARK (check them out I'll link it below). I watched the whole of BTS' American Hustle and then realised that they haven't been in that many other shows, although I might start Rookie King. Other than that I've been reading a lot of fan fictions recently, but vanilla ones so like romance, straight no yaoi or rated stuff just chick flick stuff. Doesn't require brain power and is a good way to procrastinate. Sorry about my lack of updates. Last week I went on a school trip and just got back yesterday. It was a very interesting trip to Switzerland, but enough about that. Today I wanted to talk about Kpop, well, cause I haven't in a while and have failed to mention a couple of things. A) What the hell happened with Red Velvet's Comeback?! Are SM trying to be Nazis and make them Aryans? B) EXO comeback! Whoop! Although I seriously miss Luhan (and Kris; although I guess I should call him Yifan now). It's just not the same with only 10 members. Also, I knew SM where money seeking *beeps* but 20 versions of the same album! REALLY?! Which version should I buy? I would normally buy Chinese, but with 2 Chinese members gone, the pronunciation has gotten worse and listening to the Chinese version will only make me sadder, however I should be able to understand it; or at least some of it, which I won't with the Korean. After deciding on the language there's the whole problem of members, should I get Lay, Xiumin, Chanyeol or Kai? WHY SM?! WHY?! C) Miss A are coming back! YAY!!!!!!! FEI!!!!!!!!! I love FEI! D) While we're on the subject of Miss A; who would have expected than Lee Minho and Suzy were dating?! That was a shocker. E) FT Island came back with an amazing song, which you can tell they love and I feel so happy for them, though I'm a bit concerned about the 19+ reality show they have coming out.....
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |