Have any of you ever had that one teacher that gets you? Like in the movies, the one teacher who inspires you, gets you, understands you better than maybe you even understand yourself; cause I did. She was amazing, but after 2 and a half years she suddenly disappeared from our school without a trace. Noone knew what happened there were multiple rumours though, some said she had cancer and had to quit to receive treatment, others said she had depression, the truth was the teachers weren't saying anything and we knew nothing. I've been looking for a way to contact her ever since she left, and today I may just have found that way. I found her on the electoral register, so I know her address. I'm contemplating sending her a hand written note telling her how much she has changed my life and just having the opportunity to say goodbye, the opportunity I never had, it would be 3 years late, but it would give closure. You're probably wondering why I would suddenly write about this topic; it's because every time I feel down or empty or worthless I think of her. She gave me confidence and empathy without pity though looking back I realise this probably meant she had had issues too. These past few days have felt wrong, lifeless, empty. I hang out with friends but I don't feel like they want me to be there, or they don't want to be there. Conversations don't flow between us anymore, and it's scary, very scary. At times like this I put on some depressing music or a coming of age teen movie e.g. Edge of Seventeen or Perks of Being a Wallflower and think about her, she inspires me, not to be creative or ambitious like in the movies, but rather just to...survive, live, make the most of a situation and keep looking forwards.
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I've been gone a while haven't I...
I'm sorry about that. I'm currently a first year student at Imperial College London. I failed my Cambridge interview... but it's probably for the better. I'm happy here. I think. Life keeps moving whether regardless. I'm doing well, the days seem to pass by slowly and yet too fast at the same time, weird isn't it? I'm glad to report that I haven't had a breakdown in a while, though I do get incredibly lonely and bored. Have you ever gotten to the point where you know you're bothering your friends too much but there isn't anyone else to turn to? When you know they have mountains of work and yet you have none. That's me, all the time. I've turned attention elsewhere trying to distract myself with dramas, developing an interest in poker and just generally trying to waste time in my life. I'm restarting this blog, I think, just to report about my life so I have a momento of it here, however I hope that it won't be as depressing or dark as it was. This blog is just going to turn into my inner random thoughts about stuff, a way to keep myself occupied to prevent from spiralling. Things have changed now, I've changed, 1 year is a long time to have disappeared, but I'm back and that's what counts. |
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |