Feeling like shit. Why does noone want to be with me? Friends who I would change my plans for, friends who I would most likely risk my life for, fiends who mean at least a third if not more of my life to me...why do they not care about me? I mean I know that is a bit of a stretch, but within 2 days I have had two friends leave me midway through a journey home because the other way, without me was at most 5 minutes quicker. Do I really not mean as much to them as an extra 5 minutes? An extra 5 minutes of company for me evidently means a lot more to me than them. Why do I rely n other people so much? Why am I so fucking weak? If I'm this weak, wouldn't it be ok if i was gone? Another person's relative who I know committed suicide...I found out today. Seems like everyone is holding up and the families and friends are coping well. Would this be the same for me? Does this mean that one of the biggest things holding me back; the fear of my parents tears and sadness and depression isn't that big? Why do my friends have to abandon me? Why do I have too need them more than they need me? You know what hurts me the most though? The fact that I begged these 2 friends to stay with me. That I begged them not to leave me alone, in the dark, in winter, on a quite tube carriage or on a quite road. does this mean I con't trust these friends anymore? Can I trust them not to hurt me again? Can I trust anyone? The thing I fear isn't death but rather pain. Emotional and physical pain. If I wasn't scared of the physical pain, I would have found a way to kill myself already, but fact is I am scared, and I'm also scared about being found out or about being unsuccessful. An unsuccessful suicide attempt would leave me in a worse place than I am now. Not that I'm in a good place now or anything..... I dunno, for tonight I'm just going to cry it out in the privacy of my room, and try and get through some of the vast amounts of homework I can...
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |