During the span of these couple of days I have had to reconsider my life. I have always lived my life with the thought that if I was passionate and was clever and intelligent I could achieve everything I wanted, and if I didn't it would only be because someone was more clever, more intelligent and more passionate than me. This has not been the case with the club I mentioned in my last post. Consequently my philosophy on life and my outlook has had to adapt. To start with my initial reaction was fear, anger, depression. Just when I had started to build up my confidence again, when I had started to show my full passion, when I started putting effort into getting good grades and improving my knowledge and intelligence, when I thought I had increased my self worth; I found out that I was still worth nothing, that all my efforts were for nothing, that life doesn't work the way I thought and my dreams might never be achieved. I have always thought that life needed a purpose, a goal, without a goal or a point to life there was no point in living. So I set myself a goal, a target, to improve people's lives through my work in science, I set up a strategy in order to ensure this worked out: Get the best grades I could, go to the best Uni I could (which I always and still do think of as Cambridge) and then go on to do all the possible relevant qualifications before working in a great lab, working my way up to ranks to group head and implement my ideas to better the world; whether it be from making a new material or a new drug. And I thought I could achieve all this with brains and passion. However despite this club being a small deal, I found myself wondering whether this bias could come into play later on in life in getting a job or going to Uni. What if my dream couldn't be achieved; then there would be no purpose to life. My life suddenly seemed meaningless, and I felt so small and helpless. I also felt annoyed at myself for being so naive and stupid. It was at this time a couple of days ago that I self harmed properly for the first time. Not cutting or drawing blood, but pressing a pen hard again my arm to cause bruising; bruising that after 3-4 days is still very prominent. People are asking me and telling me left, right , and centre that this whole deal isn't important as they think I'm annoyed and sad at the incident itself, and it's getting frustrating, as I know this is not important, but what happens when it comes to important events? Will this still occur? What is my purpose in life? How can I guarantee that I will achieve it? They don't understand what this event has forced me to realise nor what it means in the grand scheme of my mentality and life. I'm having to slowly adjust my way of life to just give up of life and accept its pointlessness. I am even considering the possibility of my having to give up on my dreams as they now seem futile. Without a purpose I will surely perish soon. I have also come to the realisation that it is unlikely that I will survive bend the age of 40 with my regular breakdowns and am surprised to find that I have accepted that and am not scared. I'm trying to think of a new method to achieve my goals and restructure my whole thought process and become a different person, if I find a way I will be sure to share.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |