Another thing I have realised about myself is that I have to share almost everything with almost everyone that will listen. I think this is due to the fact that I know I can't keep things bottled. Bottled emotions particularly anger, frustration and annoyance start off directed at someone, and if they aren't released I start to overthink and start self blaming and hating. Bottled up emotions lead me to being depressed and so I have to release them, and recently this blog has been a release of a great deal of those emotions.
First thing's first, got some mock results back, they haven't been amazing, but they've been decent. Now onto what I needed to write about today. Has anyone ever had the feeling when you're waking down the street and you just kinda think "I wish someone would kill me in a mugging or something" I use wish here for lack of a better word. I want to point out this is in no way a suicidal thought or a thought about killing myself or ending my own life, but rather, I wouldn't be greatly against someone else killing me. I mean don't get me wrong, I would still try and run and escape and be utterly terrified, but if it came down to it and I was fatally stabbed or shot, and if I could ignore the pain, I think my overwhelming feeling would be relief. Relief.... well, at this point in time I think it would be relief. I don't know how to explain it. I've gotten past the point of suicidal thoughts and have accepted that I didn't have the strength to kill myself before, won;t in the future and no longer have the will. However when this thought crossed my mind today, I realised that just because I'm not suicidal doesn't mean that I have stopped contemplating death... I'm not sure what this means, but it a discovery of myself that I have made and filed for the future.
Another thing I have realised about myself is that I have to share almost everything with almost everyone that will listen. I think this is due to the fact that I know I can't keep things bottled. Bottled emotions particularly anger, frustration and annoyance start off directed at someone, and if they aren't released I start to overthink and start self blaming and hating. Bottled up emotions lead me to being depressed and so I have to release them, and recently this blog has been a release of a great deal of those emotions.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |