Another thing that's been bothering me a lot is that one of my close friends went to another city for an internship over the summer, and since that internship they've changed. They got a new boyfriend, and have stopped messaging back as often. They often disappear without trace, and it makes me feel insecure and vulnerable, while also increasing my self-hatred for feeling selfish. Why do I have to be so insecure?! Why can't I feel secure in relationships, with my parents, with my friends, with anyone? Am I broken?
I used to tell my parents that they only loved me because I was their child, and that if I were anyone else, with the same personality they would not like me. They were obligated to love me because they are my parents, but they would not chose me. I often think about how lucky I am that I have the parents I do, because if my parents were to have passed, or given me up for adoption, I may never have left the system. I often feel that I would be someone noone could love.
A lot of the time I feel like my friends are only staying friends with me because they are too awkward to break it off. Like before they got to know me properly we became and classified ourselves as friends, however, as time progresses, and they get to know me, they may no longer want to be friends, but are just too awkward to say. When I feel like anyone might even be considering this, my initial reaction is to run away and place that distance between us, to avoid getting hurt, but hurting all the same. I guess it's a way of gaining control and by self imposing that distance, it is MY choice, and I therefore have some level of control and protection.
I hope one day I will not believe this stuff, and be able to feel secure, but that time seems so far away and impossible right now. Everything feels so out of reach. Everything feels so impossible. I hate myself.