Type 1: The Triggered by Fear of Something Episode
This is, in my case, usually triggered by a friend not replying to my message for a couple of days, or someone saying something horrible to me, or a low grade etc. These all cause my fear of abandonment and rejection to come into play and cause me to have a depressive episode. This type of episode usually lasts until it has been proven to me that I had nothing to worry about (i.e. my friend messages back, my parents are ok with my grades, and my friends still talk to me after the comment etc.), and are usually short lived, lasting at most 1-2 days, despite possibly putting me in quite a bad state (usually between a 4-7/10 on the severity scale, depending on who made the comment, which friend isn't messaging back etc.). This is the most common type of episode I get, and can take many forms, another of which being; when I meet new people, where straight afterwards I will become depressed over anything I said or thought was stupid to do (embarrassment), as I believe this will lead to rejection of me by the new person.
Type 2: The Slow Decent Episode
This is the type that I get after a prolonged period of being ok. They usually cause me to feel empty as opposed to depressed, and make me feel lethargic. I can still pretty much fully function, but something will just feel out of place, and I want to move on but can't. Though this type of episode doesn't tend to include suicidal thoughts or anything like that (a 3/10 on the severity scale), they tend to last for prolonged period of time, in some cases lasting up to a month of more.
Type 3: The SAD Episode
This episode usually occurs in winter, at night time and only lasts a couple of hours (until I fall asleep). It it usually about a 5-6 on the severity scale, and has similar, but more extreme symptoms to the Slow Decent episode, sometimes involving some struggle breathing. It is sometimes linked to some insomnia like behavior.
Type 4: The Sudden Onset Episode
This is the scariest type of me. There is usually little to no warning that it is about to occur, and I dive straight into a giant hole. It is a 8-10 on the severity scale and usually includes some forms of suicidal thoughts and occasionally non permanent self harm e.g. bruising etc (but not cutting). I have noticed a link to prolonged periods of stress, though that is not always the case (sometimes I am stressed but fine). These types of episodes can last from 2-3 hours up to 2 -3 days. These are the toughest to deal with.
Type 5: The Loneliness Episode
This type is particularly prevalent in my life, during exam season and holidays. When I am left by myself for long period of time, I feel lonely and can sometimes fall into a depressive episode. This, in essence, is similar to the Triggered Episode, however, as opposed to a certain event, it is the lack of an event (or interaction with people that causes it). Despite being quite severe (7/10), this type is fairly easy to manage, and all I need to do is organised a meeting with friends in order for this to be overcome.
Today I had a Type 4 Episode. I don't know how long it will last, though I really can't afford for it to still be happening tomorrow morning. I'm scared, my heart rate is up, but I have an eerie calmness in myself as I know I will not do anything about these suicidal thoughts in my head. Today my uni friends saw the first glimpse of a full on mental breakdown in front of them, I tried to play it off, but I think I just came out weird. I'm scared to face them tomorrow. I need to be back to normal and what they expect. I have managed to hide this side of my for so long. I'm scared...