The last week or so have been tough. I don't know whether it's the work, the stress, Jonghyun's death, the dark weather or just everything or nothing, but I've come to hate myself for everything again. I feel so confused in my life. I feel like I'm pissing off friends, being too needy, asking too many questions etc. I hate myself for it. I truly do. Why do I have to be such a fucking idiot?! So socially inept it hurts. WHY?! WHY?!
I hate myself, but I don't want to kill myself. Looking back at my life I never truly wanted to kill myself or hurt myself, punish myself or whatever, I just wanted to disappear from the world; cease to exist; shrink so small that I ceased to be matter, implode. I wish I had a delete button for myself. Can the world just act like I never existed? I don't want people to mourn me, to be upset over me, I just want to disappear and let the world forgot I was a thing, to make everyone think I was just a figment of their imagination.
I hate the loud, attention seeking, clingy, outspoken, rude, arrogant person I've become. I hate her so much, but I can't change, because I feel like if I do, I'll go back to being the weak, fragile person of the past that would break too easily and would probably be dead right now. How do I find the middle ground before I end up chipping away this personality I hate so much and expose the terrified person underneath?! How do I save myself without shortening the timer even more? I'm scared and I want to disappear.