It's 4am. And dark outside. I haven't posted this week cause I was hoping to not be depressing, but I have come to accept that this blog is a coping mechanism for me. My secret coping mechanism to deal with my problems, think them through, talk them out, and hopefully maybe help some of you to know that the thoughts you might have aren't just you. I've been having issues dealing with my loneliness. It's especially prevalent during the hours of the earlier morning and late night, when everyone else has gone to bed. 12am, my heart starts feeling constricted. My body aches and tingles, the feeling you get when you've sat in the same position too long, but I haven't, I've been moving; tossing and turning on my small bed, in my small box of a room, in my self-inflicted (or maybe not so self-inflicted cell). I'm alone, I start thinking of when I last hugged a friend, when I last talked to them, interacted with them. Are we still the same? It's been days. 1am, 2am, 3am, I'm starting to feel trapped, alone, like I just need to get out. Is it safe to walk outside alone at this time of the night? I just wanna be alone in a new space to think. 4am, I start getting tired, maybe I can get some sleep now, make this feeling, these thoughts end. 5am, I'm asleep. The process repeats the next night. This has been my life for the past week or so. I feel so lonely yet I hate clubbing, what other activities are there to do? I just need someone I can rely on 100%, I just need someone who'll always choose me. Pick me. Prioritise me. Love me. Why? Cause I can't seem to do any of that for myself. I hate me, night is the time I regret everything that happened throughout the day, week, year, life. I hate myself and I'm working on it, but I know my faults better than anyone else, and I hate them, and me. I don't need a boyfriend, I just need a friend, or a sister or someone close who wouldn't feel responsible for how I am. I could never say this to my mum. I don't need the guilt that comes with her guilt. Everything is dark, and everything looks dark. Hopefully it will brighten in the day before the world just repeats.
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |