I am so thankful I have this small corner of the internet, but at the same time so scared at the realization that I still need this support, I still need this help. It's been 10 years and I'm still struggling on a near monthly basis. I still hate myself SO much sometimes that it physically hurts. And I hate it. I hate I still feel like this, I hate I am still like this and I hate who I am sometimes. Sometimes it is ok not to be ok, that's the phrase I keep repeating to myself to calm myself down, but it gets less effective every times.
There's something horrible about being in this state; a state where I feel so so so terrible, but at the same time know that a couple days ago, and a couple days in the future I'm be ok, and happy again. I think part of why it feels so unbearable is that I am resigned to it. I , as of yet, have not yet found an effective way of getting out of these dips other than waiting them out and hoping for the best, I feel helpless and out of control, like I've fallen down a well and can only scream and wait for help to come. I really hate myself right now for even needing to come back here, but I am proud of myself that I did. This is my way to relieve some of my hate for myself for being stupid enough to fall down the well, while I wait for the person with the ladder to arrive and rescue me.