I haven't felt this bad in a long, long time My heart feels like its made of lead, and beats unregularly. Life has been really bad recently. School is a place I dread now, with teachers constant observing, judging, pushing, expecting, like predator stalking their prey. My Cambridge interview is next week which has also been stressing me out, and mum's been so busy and stressed with doing everything without dad, and it pains me to see that. I want to relax and stay away from school now...I don't want to do this any longer. It's been a long term... I feel the build up of stress without any time to relax, it's dragging me down. Every waking moment now including a selection of gifs repeating in my head. One of me cutting myself, shooting myself in the head, hanging myself, decapitating myself, making myself breathe gas without oxygen etc. The never ending series, repeating, constantly, in the forefront of my thoughts or the back, just constantly there. I just need a break from the teachers and mum and just gove myself a chance to relax and not worry...I just keep telling myself, 3 more days that's all I have to get through...
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |