PMS....the bain of my life, because I have realised that it is during the PMS period that I am most vulnerable, and I hate it. I cry when I don't want to and contemplate suicide nearly everyday during that week. It just so happens that that week is this week, as I found out today in my biology lesson. Doing a practice practical in which I was given slightly vague instructions, and misunderstood them. NOT that I didn't read them carefully but that I didn't connect the dots. Anyway so I do it according to what I think the instructions are saying; and I am not the only one who made this mistake, yet at the end I'm the one that gets talked down to by the teacher., who is treated like a child, and is told ten times to read the instructions carefully and draw stupid flowcharts. I DID READ THE STUPID INSTRUCTIONS!!! THEY WEREN'T CLEAR. Not only the teacher but the science technician too joined in the patronising of me. The fellow children (other than the other girl who made the mistake all going "We didn't make that mistake", "We thought it was obvious") Together in that atmosphere with 2 adults and at least 1 fellow classmate ganging up on me I cried. This of course made things worse as they patronised me more, trying to comfort me, but in reality making it 100% worse by treating me like an even younger child. Since I was young, because of the depression, I've always thought I was crap at everything, and was good for nothing, was a useless thing. After years of being told I'm clever, I started to believe in it a bit, I began to have confidence. However because deep down I still think I'm rubbish at everything, when someone criticises me or patronises me, particularly someone who I respect or a figure of authority e.g. a teacher, especially during my PMS period, my confidence shatters and I revert to my old way of thinking, and frankly what's the point of living if you're that useless? During the time I have been sitting here writing this I've thought of a list of ways to kill myself: drowning, hanging, head in oven, suffocation, stepping into the middle of a busy road, overdose on sleeping pills, jumping of the roof of my house or the school's third floor etc. I've also thought about other things I haven't considered before like self-harm. I need help, I acknowledge that, but none , not a psychotherapist, not a teacher, not a relative and not a friend can provide me with that help. Frankly I feel this blog provides me with more help than any of the things on that list. I'm worried that my depression is coming back, and to be honest, if it does I don't think I'll come out the other end alive this time. We have another Biology practical with that teacher soon and I don't think I can do it. I might not turn up, I might die before then, I might beg the school to change my timetable, but I don't think I can go through what I went through today again...
1 Comment
A girl
7/11/2014 03:35:23 pm
I also feel useless and I live knowing that I am the cause of unhappiness to people including my parents - if they didn't have the "moral obligation" to take care of me, they would have long ago divorced and spent their time and money on something better. I try so hard to be good but it's hard and at home I feel like I'm always constantly being criticized and it really hurts when my mother hits me or pulls me by my hair. I think it's a result of this that I cannot interact with anyone without worrying obsessively about the way they are thinking/judging me and so I try so hard to be nice to everyone. The thing that stops me from suicide is the fact that if I do, I am going to affect people because let's face it, we're social animals and we always interact with people. If people hate me, they can just hate and forget about me afterwards when we go our separate ways. If I commit suicide though, people are going to feel uncomfortable about it and my parents will be blamed and my school's care would be questioned and I don't want that to happen. Of course I also do hope that if I do commit suicide, there are at least some people who are going to feel sad. Okay, I've ranted a lot about me I'm sorry but yh life's so hard isn't it. Hope you're feeling a bit better
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September 2019
Lollikpop21 year old, 11 years since I stopped being clinically depressed, 9 since diagnosis. |