Holidays are a weird time for me. We're always given so much extra work on the holidays because we have more 'free time', when actually I'd like to use that time to recap everything from the term. We're given so much work, but it's always a big project e.g. a report or an assignment or coursework, it's never lots of little easy things. So you get bored easily doing the same thing, or at least I do, but you feel guilt about not doing work, and there's noone to hang out with when you do decide to take a break, leaving you alone, stuck, between a rock and a hard place, and you feel so alone. Holidays always involve me longing to be with friends and get out the house or take long baths and just forget about the world and responsibility, however I can NEVER do that. When I feel lonely I feel it physically as well as emotionally; I feel an ache in my chest, a dull ache that just won't go away, I feel constantly on the edge of tears, and like I could just break at any moment. I start to fear people again, but also long to be with people. I feel like I'm falling, losing touch with reality, and just waiting for the impact. I feel lie I could implode at any moment, like I'm so empty inside that I could just be crushed by the pressure put on me, at any moment.
This year, on top of my usual stress of work and loneliness, I have the added stress of desperately trying to find a summer internship. Due to the late finish of Imperial, and some other factors, there are not many summer internships/jobs that I can apply for, and even fewer (read none) that have accepted me or my application. I'm starting to feel hopeless... however there are a couple more opening soon that I have hopes for. I really hope that something works out so I can have 1 less thing to fret over...please....I really don't know how much more pressure I can take...